Secondary Trauma and My Job - Terminating Parental Rights

I work as a guardian ad litem - in Colorado GALs are attorneys appointed by the Court to "represent" the best interests of a child who has been adjudicated dependent or neglected.  When a child comes into "the system" (human services & the courts) everyone's first goal is to reunite the child with his or her parent(s) as quickly as possible.  Without going through all the gyrations involved in one of these cases, I'll cut to the chase -- when all else fails, the State (via the County) moves to terminate parental rights.  Legally this means that, if the Court grants the request for termination, in the eyes of the law mom and/or dad are no longer parents.

On an intellectual level it makes sense to me -- we can't put kids' lives on hold until their parents get their acts together.  Kids continue to grow and, especially at very young ages, have significant needs for stable and appropriate caregivers.  If  mom and/or dad can't meet those needs after a reasonable period of time getting assistance from the department of human services, the child has the right to be placed with people who can meet those needs. 

Well, it all sounds good on paper - but as I approach my first termination hearing I am learning that, for me at least, it is not so clean cut.  My job is to look out for the best interests of the child - not mom or dad.  I cannot, however, shut down the part of me that is a mother myself.  Not only that, I am a mother who struggled, made mistakes, have no illusions that I know it all and can relate in many ways to the parents of the kids I represent. 

My first termination case involves a young woman who was raped at age 13, got pregnant at age 14 and at age 19 now has 2 children.  Both of her parents are/were alcoholics and drug addicts and she has known nothing but chaos in her life.  She has substance abuse issues, but the biggest barrier to her successfully parenting her kids is untreated mental illness.  She is bi-polar and tends towards mania -- a manic mother is impulsive, self-centered, grandiose, unable to slow down enough to consider how her actions may be affecting her children.  When this mom is on her medication consistently (and not using substances) she is great.  It is killing me that I have to recommend to the Court that her rights be terminated when I really want to say that we as a country have failed her.  We failed her when she was growing up and we are failing her now.  This mom doesn't have health insurance and can't get consistent mental health treatment -- when she can see a doctor, she can't afford the medication and has noone in her life who is consistent enough to help make sure she takes it all the time.  We have got to do something about mental health care in this country and we have to do it now.  Stepping off of that soapox.....

How do you just one day stop being a parent?  A court order doesn't change how you feel about your children.  A court order doesn't erase the life you had with them -- bringing them home from the hospital, celebrating the first tooth, staying up all night with a crying baby, the joy of seeing them take their first steps towards you.  I'm sure there are some parents who really aren't all that affected when their rights are terminated, as they haven't been involved, etc. but I haven't met a parent yet who doesn't unquestionably love their children.  The mom whose rights are being terminated soon has come to visit her kids every week - regardless of her mental state (not always a good thing, but she has made it to her visits), these kids are attached to her, they know she is their mommy....how does a court order change that?

My heart breaks for this mom and her kids.  I know they are going to be loved and well cared for and they will have the stability they so desperately need -- but I can't imagine that they won't notice that mommy is gone.  I can't imagine the kind of grief that this mom has been, and will be enduring.  Somewhere inside I think she knows that this is the right thing to do for her kids, but I wonder how much comfort that gives her?

It is not giving me much comfort right now.  I'm pretty sure my grief over this situation is what they call "secondary trauma" and I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know how to work without compassion and I don't WANT to work in a system without compassion.  I need a case with a happy ending soon.