Thoughts on co-parenting from a veteran.

My ex-husband (the first one) left me a voice mail message tonight informing me that I had missed Back to School Night. Interesting that he waited to call until it was over. Interesting that he felt the need to call "just to let me know" that I missed it. Interesting, but not surprising. Just another opportunity to point out that he is the better parent.

Part of my job is to work with divorcing parents and to encourage, if not outright coach them on co-parenting. Luckily for them I have a wealth of knowledge based on 15 years of marginally successful co-parenting myself. I'm only being a little sarcastic here -- I really do think that my years and years of struggling with issues of re-marriage, step-families, completely different parenting styles and all of the zillions of other little issues that co-parents have to face on a daily basis allows me to bring some much needed perspective on what the real challenges of co-parenting are because frankly, unless you've been there, you have no idea.

I'm a book junkie (admitting you have a problem is the first step...) and have read numerous books about co-parenting in a desperate effort to figure out how to do it "right" for my son and to keep up on the literature for professional reasons -- I haven't found one that I would recommend to my clients. They all seem to be written by people who sit up on a pedestal and observe co-parenting and offer really useful advice like "treat one another as business partners" --- huh?? Come down into the trenches people, seriously......yes, it would be great to remove all emotion from parenting decisions and treat your ex as a business partner but who can do that?? What does it really mean? How do you get to the point where you can do that or even come close to doing it? THAT is what people really need to know.

I'm usually a quick study, but its taken me 15 years of attempting to co-parent to realize that, like everything else in life its a process, some days I'm totally on top of it and other days I could do a whole lot better. Some days I accept the fact that my son's father is really and truly never going to change (duh....) and I'm at peace with it, knowing that I'm doing the best I can.....other days (like, for example, today) I am totally triggered by his behavior and want to rage at him and tell the world what I think about his latest stunt.

On its face, his choice to call and tell me that I missed something important doesn't seem that outrageous. In context, its totally out of line. I've spent the last 6 weeks dealing with an ailing mother, for the past 2+ weeks she has been hospitalized with a terrifying "superbug" infection that the doctors were not sure she would beat. Today we moved her into a "skilled nursing facility" so that she can get help regaining her strength and then resume chemotherapy. I couldn't go with her because I've come down with some bug and am running a fever (hello guilt).... he knew all of this, I spoke to him earlier today about it and he didn't mention Back to School Night.....until it was over.... and he could tell our son that I didn't show up. I think that is mean. I'm pretty proud of myself for not picking up the phone and ...well...you know. Instead I'm going to make sure I touch base with my son tomorrow and let him know how much I love him and how disappointed I am that I missed the opportunity to meet his teachers and find out about his classes.

On the bright side I now have another situation that I can use as an example with my clients to illustrate the benefit of not immediately reacting to an ex's obvious attempt to push buttons. When you don't go into reaction mode and engage in a futile attempt to defend yourself, you don't give your power away and you don't waste your precious energy fighting a battle you will never win. ("oh geez Kim, I forgot you had all that stuff going on today and I should've called you to remind you about tonight, but I picked up extra copies of everything for you"....THIS CONVERSATION WILL NEVER HAPPEN) Forgive yourself for mistakes and use your energy towards maintaining a positive relationship with your children. You can "win" with them and aren't those the relationships that are most precious to you?